it is hard to say.

this is an interesting blog.

this would be amazing.

this is funny, its brent lain!!!! "uhh, it looks like my hair is short...." wow id forgotten all about those days.

this makes me feel better.



that is all i have to say.

im sorry blogger.

its been a while since i posted. lots of snow here in ohio....makes me want to go sled riding when i inhale but by the time i exhale im devising a way to leave the state. Im flat broke, i hope my check clears with the court in time. Ive bought more music this month than i have in the past 6. Crazy stuff going on.


My life is a long drive home.

Napoleon!

"I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is not mere man. Between Him and every other person in the world there is no possible terms of comparision. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne and I have founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon live; and at this hour millions of men would die for Him."

~ Napoleon Bonaparte

I've been thinking about my faith alot lately....About why I embraced the Christian faith back in junior high. I was young and naive back then. I know people would say not much has changed since then, but I know how I've changed since I was 13 years old and only worried about who I was studying with for my math test. I've met with resistance all the way. I consider Jesus Christ to be the most non-resistant man to ever walk this earth, yet, the mention of His name sends people into a frenzy. I don't know anymore. All I want to do is live out a life of love like Christ. To quietly follow the only Man who has ever made a difference in my life. Maybe if i had been popular back in highschool I would have found purpose outside of my faith? What if I had been able to fall in love? Would a boyfriend cure me of these questions I have? I dont say these things to say human companionship and love are not fulfiling, they most definitley can be. No one (even myself) can live without love. But there is always something more. Something I cannot attain in or through myself.

Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart

Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark

And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands

And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?

Naive / Chris Rice

I wonder. I really do sometimes.

i take it all back..

He glanced at her. There was a wry grin on her face and he

realized she was making fun of him, and he liked her for it. "It's

not just that I dont know my name and address, " he explained.

"I don't even know what kind of person I am."

"What do you mean?"

"I wonder if I'm honest?" Maybe it was foolish, he thought, to

pour his heart out to a whore on the street, but he had no one else.

"Am I a loyal husband and a loving father and a reliable workmate?

Or am I some kind of gangster? I hate not knowing."

Honey, if that's what's bothering you, I know what kind of guy

you are already. A gangster would be thinking, am I rich, do I

slay the broads, are peoplescared of me?"

That was a point. Luke nodded. But he was not satisfied.

"It's one thing to want to be a good person - but maybe I dont'

live up to what I believe in."

"Welcome to the human race, sweetheart," she said, "we all

feel that way." She stopped at the doorway. "It's been a long

night. This is where I get off the train."

-Code to Zero

I started catching this cold a few days ago and colds always give me insomnia of the worst kind so I actually finsihed 3/4 of this book in the course of about 3 hours. It was pretty good, I liked it.

take the time.

I've been thinking about children's books this past week, ones that have influenced me greatly...ones that have shaped the way I view life as I grow older. The Velveteen Rabbit stood out to me most. What a beautiful book. The concepts contained within that tiny book can bring a person to tears. The whole idea of "becoming real" and even the way it edges the idea of "beauty" another thing i have wreslted against considerably.


"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

That there ties in with a song from Aireline that I like "When Pianos Fall"

"We're all breakable and we're all dangerous when we're broken.
I promise I'll try not to break you if you promise not to break me back"

I guess it makes me think of how i approach realationships...with a closed fist. It shocks me to think of how many people I consider myself "close" with that have no idea who i really am. I suppose it would help if I knew the answer myself, but honestly Ive been so afraid of being broken until now. People arent china dolls...we were made to withstand more than our share of falls.
"Its painful but in pain - i will find beauty" 12.28.04

la de da...

I have this blanket that has been in my possesion since I was about 9 years old. I received it from my grandmother when she bought a new one and knew that I loved it. It is green with a really rough "silk" around the edges. Its quite abrasive against the skin, but that was the reason I loved it so much. (Green was always my grandma's favorite color. I recall being in 1st or 2nd grade and not knowing my favorite color so I chose green to be like my grandma. When I got into junior high I felt silly so I decided I liked orange.....well eventually I realized late in high school that green was my favorite color again, it had been all along. Green is the color of growing things (my hippie philosophy - haha) and perhaps that is why the color holds so much significance to me. Or maybe its just an attempt to hold on to something true that I had when I was young. but back to the blanket.
Originally this blanket fit on a king size bed. It had been a gift to my grandparents when they married. It was quite thin to begin with but as years passed it began to tear. I was offered a new one. No....I never wanted one. I suffered through the "she can keep it as long as she gets rid of it before prom" (well, i never went to prom) and the subsequent "she wont ever take that with her to college" (well when i do enroll im still going to live at home) My sister was frequently either appalled or embarrassed when I drug the old thing with me places. Well, eventually the tears became so large that my mom feared i would strangle myself at night with it wrapped around my neck. I still insisted on keeping it. In an effort to prolong its life I folded it to a quarter of its size and re-stitched the binding around it. Pappaw (my grandfather) began to threaten he would buy me a new one. But there was something about crawling into bed at night and balling up that green mass of worn fabric to tuck under my arm. My grandfather passed away 2 summers ago. I know he teased me about it that summer. I know this could probably boil down to some insecurity issue but it is a piece of my life. When I go home tonight it will be strewn across my pillow, I will go over and pick it up and carry it around with me.

long live childhood memories.